JESUS HAS BEEN GUIDING ME, CALLING ME, ALL OF MY LIFE, NOW I AM FINALLY LISTENING!
The 28 years of my life as an active self-destructive addict were very much
like being in the center of a demonic storm at sea. I felt like a cork lost at sea with
no land in sight. The waves were 30 feet high and came crashing down upon me,
as sea salt blinded my eyes. I was slowly losing all of my strength, and I felt the sea
pulling me down beneath the black waves.
I have never felt such relentless terror and bone aching loneliness, as I did
during these lost 28 years. My adrenal glands had been operating in an
environment of extreme emergency for so long, that my body no longer
was able to keep up with the demand for adrenaline. I had developed
pancreatitis from excessive alcohol use and I contracted Hepatitis C
from sharing needles to shoot cocaine.
The feeling of death moving towards me with inevitability, and seeing its urgent
thirst for my life, was overwhelming. My street friends were dying all around me.
At the end of my journey, I felt death breathing down the back of my neck, and I felt
a cold chill down my spine. I was living with an overwhelming terror that my life was
Although I had serious physical damage to my body like pancreatitis and
the hepatitis C virus, the most important illness was my dying spirit and the
loss of hope to carry on. I felt dead inside and I felt empty like a vacuum in
the lab of some mad scientist’s random experiment. Imagine someone
removing your spirit, and then dumping into you, rage, anger, hate,
overwhelming fear and wild terror and then sprinkling it all with a loneliness
that makes your bones ache with a festering infection. It is God’s miracle
that I ever survived those long lonely years of terror and pain!
No doubt, I created much of my world of pain, fear and loneliness by my
own addictive lifestyle and my very poor choices. However, there does
come a time when the disease of addiction is highly advanced, when
the addict loses all control of his or her life, and becomes a total slave
and robot to the disease of addiction.
The final phase of an addict’s self-destruction and journey towards death is
the loss of Hope. At the end of my addictive journey, I lived outside,
homeless on the streets of Denver, Colorado for one year. The streets were
dangerous and homeless people were being targeted by the Skin Head gang
for murder, to satisfy an entrance requirement to join their gang.
I was attacked by a lunatic with two butcher knives in the middle of the
night, as I slept alongside my Husky dog, Princess, down by the Platt river.
My dog Princess began growling menacingly, with her teeth barred as she
stared into the woods. Every muscle in her body was tense and ready for
I stood up and looked into the woods and saw a man with a white skull mask
moving rapidly towards us, and he was holding two long butcher knives in his wait band.
When he got to within 30 feet he stopped and announced, “I am a Skin Head
and I am going to kill you right now”. As soon as he took one step closer to us,
Princess exploded and lunged at his knees and bit him multiple times.
As Princess was rushing in to attack him again, the man raised his two knives
up high, ready to stab Princess on both sides of her ribs, but she was too quick
and she danced to the side and the attacker missed her. I knew that I was not going to win a fight
with a lunatic with two butcher knives, so I decided to run.
This distraction allowed me enough time to run up the river bank, and then I called to
Princess and she ran up the hill to join me. We ran together for three miles down the
side of the river until we felt safe. We did not sleep that night.
At the end of my nightmare journey, I found a safe place to sleep at night.
I found an electrical closet in an alley behind my favorite bar. I could open
the small closet with a plastic comb and once inside, I could lock the door
by pushing the push button on the inside door knob. This was safe and prime real
estate when you are living outside on the streets in all seasons.
Here is the miracle. In the last days of this living hell, I had become
overwhelmed with fear, terror, confusion, hatred, anger and rage and I was
so lonely, it felt like a crushing weight was on top of my heart.
In complete fear and desperation, I cried out a very simple and powerful
prayer: “Jesus Please Help Me.” Three days later, I was sitting in a group
of addicts at Hazelden Foundation, one of the best chemical dependency
treatment centers in the nation. That was in 1998 and today, by the Grace
of God, I have 18 years sober and I am free of all chemicals.
JESUS HAS BEEN GUIDING ME, CALLING ME, ALL OF MY LIFE,
NOW I AM FINALLY LISTENING! Jesus has been the light house in my life calling me
back to his love and safety out of a raging sea.
I have learned that if I want Jesus to help me, I must first ask Him for His
help and then have faith that He will help me. Jesus saved my life, and now He is
motivating me to help other addicts. In the 18 years of sobriety
and freedom that Jesus has given me, Jesus has blessed me with a beautiful
wife and two West Highland Terrier puppies. We own a great home in a safe
and quiet neighborhood, and we are at peace. My wife Rochelle and I have been
married for 14 years, and I am so very grateful for all of God’s blessings in
our life together.
My passion now is to help other addicts to achieve sobriety and to be free.
Check out my published book, “Saved By The Prince Of Peace—Dungeon To Sky.”
The website for the book is: http://www.dungeontosky.com
On the website, I have written over 40 blogs on important issues on addiction and recovery.
I also have a dedicated Facebook page for the book, which is: https://www.facebook.com/dungeontosky.com
Jesus is the Lighthouse in the storm of our lives. Call on His name and be free!